Ulquiorra Q&A
by NOTTiteKubo
Summary: Ulquiorra awakens in a mysterious room with a two-way mirror and a wall full of crazy buttons as the only thing separating him and a mysterious inquisitor.


Somewhere in the deepest confines of Area 51 lies a door. Behind that door is a man, watching something behind a layer of glass. Behind that layer of glass is another man. Beneath said man is a chair with restraints to prevent him from escaping. Above the room a white light casts its glow upon the second man, paining eyes which haven't been put to use in days. The man in the chair is Ulquiorra Schiffer and the man watching him is none other than ~ME~ (but you can just call me Death Destruction Lion of Blam Rrrar 69) The following is an unaltered account of questions and answers I've taken the liberty of recording to give the masses a basic understanding of the workings of the Espada mind.

Ulquiorra sits and gazes around with cold, green eyes, beholding everything in the room. I'm glad he cannot see me through the mirror. But I can see him. I switch on the intercom that connects the two rooms. I glance at the clipboard with the attached note cards I prepared the week before with slight nervousness before reassuring myself that there is no way he can get me from here.

Me: Wake up, Mr. Schiffer. I have been expecting you for quite some time. Look at your man.

Ulquiorra: *glances behind himself; looking for something that isn't there* Aizen?

Me: Now back at me.  
Ulquiorra: Where are you? Are you the mirror? Where is that voice coming from?

Me: Sadly, your man *isn't* me. But if your man uses Old Spice, he could smell like the man you wish your man could be.

Ulquiorra: What the f-

Me: Second question-

Ulquiorra: That wasn't a ques-*Ulquiorra pauses mid-sentence, squirming violently in his chair*

Me: That's a no-no! If you interrupt me or don't follow the rules I'll have no choice but to punish you. I let you off easy this time with just a simple shock but let me assure you: There are many colorful buttons in this room that are capable of far worse things. Question 3: Who's your favorite celebrity?

Ulquiorra: Aize-

Me: Aizen doesn't count!

Ulquiorra: Well, there was that time I went to the human world and ran into Lady Gaga. I have to say, she's pretty high on my list.

Me: Yeah, you and every other gay's.

Ulquiorra: What?

Me: What? Question the 4th: Can you smell that?

Ulquiorra: Smell what?  
Me: Good good Nyehehe. 5th question: How many men have you slept with, rounding to the nearest hundredth?  
Ulquiorra: 0? I don't have sex.

Me: That's obvious. BaZANG! 6th question-

Ulquiorra: *at this point Ulquiorra struggles in his chair against the restraints but before he can make too much progress a yellow ducky button is pressed from the other side of the two-way mirror and green slime reminiscent of a children's cartoon network falls upon the 4th Espada's head*

Me: Wasn't that fun?

Ulquiorra: *a very angry Ulquiorra glares at me as green slime oozes from his hair, skin, and clothes; slowly piling on the floor in puddles* No.

Me: Well, I was considering pressing the yaoi button but that would have been far too adult for *this* story. *from the other side of the room a half naked man picks up his clothes and walks away, disappointed. Question the 8th-

Ulquiorra: Don't you mean 7th?  
Me: That was a trick question, you lose.

Ulquiorra: But that doesn't make any-

Me: Question #9: What did you think of Ichigo's bankai when you first saw it? Were you impressed?

Ulquiorra: It was strong but not powerful enough to beat me.

Me: Question 10: Didn't you *lose* to Ichigo's bankai?

Ulquiorra: Eh. Didn't count. He had his hollow powers, too.

Me: So did you, though.

Ulquiorra: Shut shut shut shut your mouth. Shut your mouth.

Me: *presses piggy button and a swirly hand slowly goes down the length of Ulquiorra's back, tickling him before dipping into his pants but it is quickly stopped* Woooooooah, sorry 'bout that. I meant to press the cow. There. *presses cow and a storm of kittens hails from the ceiling and into the Espada's side of the room* Now you must contend with slightly angry cats while answering my questions. Now that is true punishment.

Ulquiorra: These questions suck.

Me: You suck and are boring me. Final question: Does this hurt: *a black button with skulls and crossbones hidden behind a clear case is slowly opened and pushed with a fierce certainty and a metal claw extends from the wall, seeking the man in the chair*

Ulquiorra: This is gonna be stupid. *after these words are spoken the claw meets its target and tightly pinches the Espada's chest, causing a single tear drop to fall from his face to the floor*

Please send in your questions for Ulquiorra to answer. I'll make sure he answers them or it's the skull button again. 


End file.
